Clearing the brain so it keeps working
Posts tagged Death
A tale of two gatherings…
Sep 20th
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… (Sorry Mr. Dickens)
But then again it was. This weekend families gathered to mark similar yet different events.
On Saturday, my nephew celebrated his birthday. He has reached his teen years, and is more interested in the presents, food and television then the actual gathering. I do believe he ’suffered’ through the gathering just to make sure he got his presents. Nothing really wrong with that, I’m sure most young people of his age do exactly the same thing. The gatherings, unless totally oriented toward the youth, are for the adults. We ate, talked, laughed and remembered many of these events during the day. This is what, through the ages, kept families together. We share common bonds and we celebrate those bonds. Be they birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays, times with family and friends keep our bonds alive.
On Sunday, another gathering was held. This was a memorial of the birth and death day of my grandson. He received no physical presents, and he won’t be living into his teen years to complain about the attention he is or isn’t getting. This was a day to support those who will miss his presence in the world. It was a time for family and friends to gather and support one another. We ate, talked, laughed and remember many events, but we also shared a tear or two. Coming together in the hard times is another thing that keeps families together. Death, sickness and other troubles are also something we all share. Another common bond. Another way to show support and love.
While on the surface, I wish that all we ever had to do was share the happy occasions, I realize that it is the difficult situations that are the true measure of what we mean to each other. These hard times can show the best humanity has to offer.
So this weekend was the best of times and the worst of times, with the best of times far outshining the worst. Those closest to the sadness may not feel this for quite some time, but in looking back they will eventually remember “The Best of Times.”
Grief, a state of mind
Aug 18th
In early March of 2004, I was introduced to the terminology ‘grief monster’. This was a term used by other widows and widowers to indicate their feelings after loss. Using the words grief monster seemed to indicate a battle needed to be fought with grief. I didn’t think that was the case then and I don’t think it is the case now.
With a new loss, feelings of grief are again merging with my life. I think that the feelings of grief are there for a reason. Grief is a coping mechanism. While grief isn’t a comfortable feeling, it should be welcomed. We need time to deal with sadness and loss.
The intensity and duration of our feelings of grief indicate where we are in our grief journey. Since people are different, the length and duration of our journeys are also different. The only way we know how far we’ve come is to look at how we feel grief.
In these difficult times of loss, I’ve seen grief as a friend. Not always a friend I want around, but as a needed friend. Tears, anger, frustration are all tools to handle our loss. To fight these feelings, as if fighting a monster, would be counterproductive to help they can bring.
Grief can and will come at unexpected times. These times may be inconvenient or embarrassing, but they need to be accepted. As an adult male, I have been taught to harness my feelings. I found that after my wife’s death, I no longer do this. If tears are needed, tears will be shed. I no longer shy away from my emotions. It has helped with my healing.
There has been new loss in my life. Another grief journey has begun. The road is the same, but different. It is a journey not taken alone, but with the help of others.
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A journey begins with one step; a good journey begins with one step reaching for another’s hand.
What next?
Aug 16th
This may be a difficult post to read. It was certainly hard to write.
No happy or witty sayings in this post. This is a story of life, death, mourning and maybe life again.
At the beginning of this year many wonderful things were in the making. My 3rd daughter had her wedding scheduled for June. My fourth daughter was to graduate High School. Those two events happened as planned.
Also occurring early in the year, my two oldest daughters told me they were expecting new arrivals. The oldest was due in September, my second daughter due in November. Expanding of family going full force this year. I was really looking forward to visiting my new grandchildren.
The first bad news came when my 2nd daughter had a miscarriage. I was unable to fly down to Florida and be with her. I am very glad she has a wonderful network of support with her. At that time, I had a countdown to the impending birth on my blog. I quietly removed that and all other mention of that news from my blog. This was news I didn’t feel like sharing with the rest of the world. Stick with the good news. Too much bad news news in the world.
Last Thursday brought news that my oldest daughter lost her baby too. Much farther along, she had only a month before the due date. I quietly removed the countdown that that impending birth, and wrote a quick cryptic post. The mind was not working well enough to post anything else. I could write about the cause, but I will let this site handle that. I just needed to get these words out.
I spent the past few days with my oldest, at the hospital and her house. There were many tears flowing. Hugs given and received. While the words were not initially spoken, we were worried about my oldest daughter’s life too. She had a serious medical condition that could have take her as well. In this we were fortunate. Physically she is recovering well. The emotional and spiritual recovery will take more time for all of us.
I did say something about life again didn’t I. There is a little bright spot in all of this. I’ve written a few posts about my daughter’s friends. These are people I consider to be my friends also. Our ages and backgrounds vary widely, but they are true friends. People who will be there for my daughter and son-in-law. My children came home to a clean house, because someone thought this would be a good thing to do. They didn’t ask, they acted. The bedroom for the newborn was in the final stages of finishing, but the door was off the hinges. It was put back in place and closed. Friends and family will supply food, companionship, or solitude when needed or wanted. Can we ever ask for more?
Through all of this, I’ve had many old wounds opened again. I keep wondering if each new death will bring back the memories of others. Faces I’ve not seen in years, faces I never saw, came into my thoughts and dreams. The past and future molds into one. The laugh of a child not heard may be one of the saddest moments in life.
Thoughts on a new day
Apr 24th
Today had a rough start. I knew that in advance, so I did little things to prepare for it. One was taking an entire day of vacation, instead of just a partial day. Another was to go with the flow of the day.
I went to the funeral of a young man I barely knew. I do know his parents. I know his father very well. We’ve worked together for that past 16+ years.
Funerals something I generally try to avoid. I’ve been that way all my life, but for the past 5+ years I’ve really developed an immense dislike for them. I will go to them when people I know need support I might be able to give. It was still a rough morning.
As to going with the flow… Well after the funeral I thought it would be nice to spend some time with friends. A little time not thinking about the final aspect of life. It was a good choice. Lunch with good friends made the difference in the day.
Just thought I would share.
Just when you thought…
Apr 4th
Tonight was an evening of celebration. I had a wonderful time with a bunch of friends celebrating a very special occasion. I’m sure someone else’s blog will give a complete rundown of the events, so I won’t here. But I did enjoy myself. This post is not about that joy and celebration, but more a feeling of loss, when later events happened.
For the past few years, I’ve always had a few bittersweet feelings at wedding and anniversary celebrations. These were events that would remind me of what I lost. This was the very first such event in the past five years that I did not have the deep feeling of loss. Two of my daughters were married and those events nearly knocked me flat emotionally.
It has been over 5 years since I last held my wife in my arms. 5 years when the wedding vows were fulfilled. You never really think about that clause “until death do us part”. At least not until it happens. Today at the celebration, I did not think about the loss I had, only the joy being shared. A good evening.
But then it happened. I was waiting for my youngest daughter to finish up a game, so I did some shopping at the 24 hour place. I ran into a man who I knew and, I haven’t seen him in over 5 years. He did not know of my wife’s death. The question “How is your wife?” blew me out of the water. I wasn’t expecting to have to tell that to anyone in this area. I live in a small community, I really thought everyone knew.
The comfortable day took a drastic turn with one short question. Emotions filled my every thought. I hesitated on the answer. It was like a punch in the gut. We then shared a few memories and parted. Slowly, the flood of feelings calmed. This is the way of life and death. The memories of our past can warm us as well as send chills down our spines. Those we loved live on through us, and in the stories we tell. In that I found some peace
